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Indecent dressing and control

I have read from some fantastic and  awesome men about indecent dressing, and how it is not the cause of rape. These set of superb men are part of my Facebook friends and I so much appreciate their stand and consistency on the fact that indecent dressing is not the reason for rape. They have been writing against this believe for some days now, and I so much appreciate them and their astuteness.

One brother even wrote that indecent dressing and rape should not be discussed in the same context and I could not agree less. Continue reading Indecent dressing and control

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The other woman a.k.a side chic

The other woman, popularly known as a side chic is a woman who is having an affair with a married  man. Often times she is aware that the man is married, and sometimes she is ok being the other hidden woman. At other times, she is not ok being hidden, and as she gradually climbs up the ladder of the affair, she gains the courage, and boldness which makes her  become a dangerous known or unknown competitor to the wife of the man she is having an affair with. Continue reading The other woman a.k.a side chic

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Men, ego and the craving for respect

“The only thing that a man needs is respect”

I hear this popular statement every now and then being used to charge women to be respectful towards their husbands. It is said that the only thing close to the heart of a man, that he needs and craves, is respect. This statement has wreaked a lot of havoc in many homes. It has created a lot of men who have become unapproachable gods their homes, and to the society at large.

This statement has positioned some men and pitted them strategically against their wives. It has made them stiff-necked, and like a panther, prowling quietly seeking for ways to accuse their wives and all women, as being disrespectful. It has created lots of men who have become an opposition on their own path of progress. They will not discuss issues with their wives because they see her input or advise to them as a sign of disrespect. Continue reading Men, ego and the craving for respect

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Dear woman, know God by yourself to avoid mental torture and emotional blackmail.

Sometimes last year, I watched a video which went viral. In that video  a church was holding a women only meeting . It was time for questions and a woman stood up and narrated her marital ordeal. She talked about how her husband smokes, gets drunk and exhibited all sorts of destructive attitudes. She said he was also jobless and beats her up at every slightest opportunity.

Continue reading Dear woman, know God by yourself to avoid mental torture and emotional blackmail.

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Daddy, do you really love your children?

One of the disadvantages of ascribing the role of raising children to the woman in the African society is that it breeds fathers who end up getting emotionally detached from their children. I have seen how men who are involved in parenting their children become so attached and deeply bonded with their kids. Parenting their kids might not necessarily mean them always getting down to the nitty gritty all the time due to the nature of their job or profession, but this category of men make conscious effort to get involved in bonding with their children and they have mapped out a time for bonding with the kids.   Continue reading Daddy, do you really love your children?

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Claustrophobia the devil (part 2)

I am sorry I was not able to bring the part two last week as promised, for those who missed the part one here is the link HERE .
The first time I travelled out of the shores of Nigeria was in 2011. I travelled with Arik airline to London and it was simply beautiful. The inside was very posh and even lovelier than their local flight in Nigeria. I felt the ambience immediately I entered the plane, but the tears of my mom at the departure lounge and the sad face of my brother when they bade me farewell made my inside to twist into knots. I felt a wave of melancholy. I struggled to adjust but was so uneasy and on edge at how the flight might be again. I was wondering how I would survive the phobia for a six hours flight.

Continue reading Claustrophobia the devil (part 2)

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Claustrophobia, the devil

Hi, I am Oluwatosin Olajumoke and I am claustrophobic. I hate anything that has to do with being locked up in a space, I hate anything that looks like a clutter. I can’t sleep in a cluttered room, or else I will itch and perspire all through( this has gotten better now because I am a mom and you can’t avoid clutter when you have a toddler). I hate being in any situation that looks like being in a bondage or being in a cage, it simply drives me crazy. Overall I hate having to travel in  a plane. If there is any way I can avoid flying I would. The fact that one enters that huge birdy like looking thing, with it cramped space ( maybe when I have money I could fly first class because of space hahaha, I doubt if that would help anyway) drives me crazy.

My experiences with flying has not been a pleasant one at all. It is almost like claustrophobia goes there to wait for me and torment me hahahaha. Sometimes I would have made up my mind to enjoy the flight and act all chic in the plane, but claustrophobia rears up its ugly head and puts me in a fix.  My first flight was a local flight in Nigeria. I was travelling with my friend from Abuja to Asaba on a visit to her parents home.  My friend knew I was claustrophobic so she had warned me ahead of time.

We entered the flight, Arik airline, and I was amazed at its posh and neat interior. But the cramped space was beginning to make me perspire, she told me Tosin no worry abeg na just 30 minutes for us to land in Benin( Tosin don’t worry we would land in Benin in 30minutes)  because there was no direct flight to Asaba, so be calm. The plane took off and I held the hand of the woman that sat beside me, my friend was smiling from where she sat when I looked at her. She told me to calm down, I did but hysteria was at the tip of my tongue.

The woman beside me told me to not to worry that with time flying would get better for me. I listened to her, and tried to loosen up my inside, then the pilot went and landed in a very scary way. He landed at a long distance from the tarmac and everyone was jolted and made a sound or the other. Trust me I screamed blood of Jesus and everyone smiled and used me to regain their composure, even though they were also jolted lol.

There was another time, I was flying from Abuja to lagos, and I sat calmly on my own. I had already flown a couple of times after this and I was trying to adjust to flying because I must fly,  and the situation while in the plane is out of my control, so I had resigned to fate as regards flying. This brother, immediately I saw he was seating beside me I became so uneasy. He had this look on him like he had been flying for ages and like the plane was his home. He greeted me in this loud voice and I knew I was in for it.

Now, one way I had learnt to cope with flying was to be quiet, close my eyes, clutch my seat and focus till we landed. But this man would not let me focus, he started a conversation in this loud voice that distracted me from managing the turbulence that hit the plane. He started toasting me and even though he looked suave and cool, I was not interested in having a conversation with him.

The turbulence kept on and this oga( man) kept on toasting. He was not concerned about the turbulence, whenever he said something that required an answer from me I looked at him with a pleading eyes that says can’t you leave me alone,  with hysteria at the tip of my tongue and shook my head or nodded. At a point he thought I was deaf until I told him to shut it damn it! Can’t you see I am trying to pilot the plane from here by being focused?

He laughed out loud and said then I should be in the cockpit with the  pilot. He pacified and encouraged me. He said why don’t I travel by road instead of putting myself through this torture, told him the roads are also a death trap, they are terrible and most drivers are arrogant and don’t listen to the entreaties of the passengers to drive carefully.

We landed and I breathed a huge sigh of relief, obviously not looking forward to my next flight……………..

I would bring you the continuation of my ordeal with flying and it’s climax next week.

Till then, have a lovely week ahead.

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Dear man why are you ashamed of your wife?

Many a times, I see some men being ashamed of their wives.

They do not want to be seen with her in public, they do not want to be associated with her. The only relation that links their wives to them out there is their name she bears. Once they marry the woman, and she attains the position of a wife, she becomes repulsive to these category of men.

Same woman they were so desperate to marry, becomes transformed to an old cargo in their mind once she becomes their wife. They immediately put her in these box where she’s no longer viewed as attractive. Continue reading Dear man why are you ashamed of your wife?

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Who is going to pray for her?

Right from when I was a young girl I had this uncomfortable feeling whenever I go for weddings and I hear the new wife being thoroughly admonished on how she must be a good and a praying wife for her husband and how that is the only thing that can make her marriage work. Listening to these messages created an aversion in my spirit against marriage back then.

I began to wonder why men were given a pass as regards praying for their families, I began to wonder why place such a huge burden on a young woman and excuse the man? I began to wonder why allow a new fresh bride metamorphose  into a shrew just because she feels the whole world of the survival of her marriage rests on her shoulders?  I was always depressed after each marriage ceremony I attended, the patriarchy being reeled out from the altar usually drained me of all energy, I only get lifted afterwards by the sumptuous “jollof rice” and the jollification of the reception lol.

In my journey through spinsterhood, marital proposals came but I couldn’t settle, something was always off, there was one particular one decked with the promise of care, love, devotion,glitz and glamour. He was even very religious but I couldn’t settle, something didn’t quite connect in my spirit, almost everyone around me thought I was mad, and that I had missed a rare opportunity.

Little did I know in my subconscious I was looking for a man who was not a pretentious christian, a man who does not have the slightest feeling that a woman was beneath him and has to wait on him hands and feet.  I didn’t understand this myself, I just knew when my husband came, I was swept off my feet without any doubt or waste of time.

In the African society, a huge responsibility lies on a woman in  marriage, women are expected to keep and maintain the home, women are to have regular sex with their husbands anyhow or  anywhere he wants it,lest he becomes a cheat ( as if the man is a baby without self control) even if the woman is sick some people would still quote the scripture of how she has no authority over her body, and how she shouldn’t have denied her husband, when I hear things like this I stop to wonder where our humanity is, as Africans.

I digress, the other day, a man told me he does not believe in taking his wife on outings. He said the woman’s place was to stay at home and PRAY for her husband.  I was like, excuse me, pray for you while you gallivant around town believing your wife is praying you out of STD’s, accidents or whatever evil could befall an irresponsible night crawling man? Why are women so burdened? What kind of mentality is this? Who did this to some of our men  and even women? I sighed and just concluded some women are also guilty of  aiding and abetting a man to the point of death. They are so scared of their husbands that they can’t caution him when he’s on a destructive path. All they do is pray pray pray till the man ends up harming himself through his careless life style and thereby bringing doom to the family. Do not get me wrong, prayers are good, very very good, but woman, know when to draw the line, know when to go into action, know when to be firm and say NO to anything that can bring harm to your family.

While we are on the subject, women conceive and give birth to life, we are expected to nurture and care for these kids, going through the rigors of training them with little or no input from the typical African man, after all if the child turns out bad it is your headache as a mother!  Women must manage all these, coupled with having a career  and being a help meet to your husband, and like some people would say, “a humble maid to her husband”, and to cap it all she must be a prayer warrior to keep her home.  Let me tell you something friends, a woman has a lot to deal with, we have so much to process externally and internally and there are times we want to disappear  from it all. We get tired of being wives and mothers at times that we want to disappear into a cocoon never to be found again, our lives get so disorganized at times that we want to just quit and go back to the times of spinsterhood where we had no one to care for, aside ourselves.

We get so swamped with love and emotions for our families that we begin to wonder why we had to start a family to incur such raw and deep emotions.  We get so tired of our daily routine of hustle and bustle in and outside the home that we just want to put our feet up and watch everything slide. I am an introvert, and this is how I feel at times, and even more, there are times I shut down from the whole world and just move through each day like a zombie.  Despite all these feelings at times, there is a joy that bursts forth within me and I find that energy to keep moving and enjoying life and what God has given me once again, what is the source of this?  A praying and a supportive husband, if  I am left to do all the praying alone, I would have caved or bowed to pressure or just become resentful of my family and life in general.

Dear christian men, do not leave the duty of praying for your marriage only on your wives, infact you have a greater role to play please, women go through a lot of internal and physical changes that affects our moods and outlook, it is only your prayers, and your position as being supportive and prayerful, constantly interceding for us that will make us amenable, sweeter, comelier, homelier and to cap it all a better wife and woman who would achieve all her potentials and make you and herself proud of what she has become.
Dear Christian sister, do not marry a man who cannot pray for himself not to talk of you and your children when you get married, listen to him speak as regards praying for the home, runaway from any potential suitor that believes that it is your sole responsibility as a woman to pray for your home!  I tell you there are days as a wife that you would not be able to muster the energy to pray, what becomes of you then as a christian? Of course the marriage begins to spiral into a deep end of unending issues. The list of the disaster that can occur being married to a non praying man as a christian is endless.

You are not a machine sister, do not brain wash yourself into settling, do not think you can manage it anyhow and rough it, the reality of marriage is greater than any calculation you have made or are making, be watchful and be wise please.

Have a lovely week ahead.

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Feminism and Individuality

Feminism, according to google can be defined as the advocacy of women’s right on the ground of the equality of the sexes.

Individuality, according to google can be defined as the quality or character of a particular person or thing that distinguishes them from others of the same kind, especially when strongly marked. Synonyms to individuality are; uniqueness, originality, singularity, particularity,peculiarity, distinctiveness,distinction,separateness. Did you see how beautiful those synonyms are?

Feminism is just what it is, advocacy for women’s right. It must not erode your individuality as a person, if it does that to you, then you are going to be shocked at whom you would become along the line, you might just look in the mirror one day and see a stranger.

Feminism is not “bandwagonism” please draw the line between advocacy and “bandwagonism”. In this era of social media we have virtually become global, and we mostly bump into each other one way or the other.  There are some women I knew before feminism took over the social media, that were never insulting or brash, but these days they can’t make a sentence without it reeking of insults and brashness. Is that really what feminism is all about? Continue reading Feminism and Individuality

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