Sometimes, memories of words flash right into my mind and I, all over again wish I could turn back the hands of time, that I may never have walked up to certain people for help. Maybe then, I wouldn’t have had to listen to such cruel, and unkind words that damaged my confidence and faith in what I knew I was gifted to do.
Let me summarise victims’ thoughts this way:
“I came that I may be guided, but left battered. All I wanted was some support to help me get better, but all that occurred was an exchange of my God-given vision for a piece of nothing… I needed the pain alleviated, but returned infuriated!”
Our African-Nigerian society has failed most of our women out there. A society that birthed you, cradled you, nursed you, loved you as a girl at your tender age then downgrade, neglect you as a fully grown young woman. It then tames you, breaks you down, renders you powerless, if not reckless. It then assures you it is OK to live that way, to be like that, to be broken, after all you’re only a woman. You really don’t need much to be happy, you just need to be married, bring forth children, train them to become useful citizens and allow your life to function around that little sphere. Much is not expected of you. Although you were made, meant to change the world you live in. Continue reading The dilemma of finding spousal support in career and business for African women
Cyberbullying is one cankerworm that has eaten deep into the social media space amd there is no exception to who could become a victim.
The cleanest, scandal free and strongest people have become a victim of cyber bullying at one time or the other.
As long as you use the social media space actively you are not far from being a victim of cyber bullying because the truth is that some people will not like you and they are waiting for you to make a mistake.
The most dangerous part of cyberbullying is that it could hit you hard at anytime which makes it more dangerous, mental health challenging and often times life threatening.
“I have observed something else under the sun. The fastest runner doesn’t always win the race, and the strongest warrior doesn’t always win the battle. The wise sometimes go hungry, and the skillful are not necessarily wealthy. And those who are educated don’t always lead successful lives. It is all decided by chance, by being in the right place at the right time. Ecclesiastes 9:11 NLT”
This was the thought and scripture that was running round and round in my head after I published my two books “From the perspective of the child” and “Life on the Street of Readlooks” in December 2017. As a matter of fact that scripture had been running through my head prior to then. I had over worked myself, I felt weak, I felt depleted, the race was a fierce one. I sat down and had an introspection…. I was running on a roller coaster, I had lots of sleepless night devoted to my books. I had a target and it had to be met. I had a lot of personal responsibilities also and everything was taking its toll on me and it wasn’t healthy for me.
I had also taken in a lot of toxicity from the social media, I was brimming with so much contained negative energy that I masked successfully. I sat down and made a decision, I was getting off the social media throughout January.
I didn’t care that I needed to stay on and promote my two new books,
I didn’t care that the book might not be discovered if I decide to take the bait of “time alone” that was calling.
I didn’t care about anything aside myself!
The realization of this gave me an “aha” moment and I realized that self-love, self-care was what I needed to do consistently as an individual in order to continue to be an inspiration and a blessing to my world. That was one of the best decision I made in my life!
I had thought it was supposed to be a break where I won’t have to deal with any mental stress and all that, and so it was until I was taken on another journey of self discovery on a deeper level.
My eyes suddenly became opened to a lot of opportunities around me and I began to re-brand myself.
I received so much inspiration and revelations that I became full to the brim.
My brain was working so fast, I was happier despite the fact that I lost a lot of sleep, I was able to invest valuable time in my writings and develop a better strategy for my social media usage.
As a matter of fact I kept postponing my social media resumption till now. I realized that an unrestrained usage of the social media space is a huge trap even if you are growing a brand.
I realized that the best way to enjoy the social media is to have a strong level of control over it.
I would be writing more on mental wellness as time goes on, and how to guard your mental health from anything that can kill your creativity.
I have a lot of tips, and my time off the social media opened my eyes to a lot of issues.
Till then, I would love to introduce my new book to you. It is an eBook, and I am launching it today on my eBook store. As you can see it up there, it is available for free download. It is about my experience with a violent relationship I was in about ten years ago and the near death experiences I had on several occasions in the relationship.
The deep blue sea is a must have for everyone, most especially ladies and women. There are lots of lessons in there, it is gripping, infuriating and would keep you at the edge of your seat, download your copy and tell your friends to download theirs too.
Finally, I am also creating a platform whereby authors could self-publish their books easily without the stress of publishing and publishers in Nigeria.
Our eBook files on Hadar Creations Publishing is encrypted and your files would be protected against piracy. That was one of the features we watched out for before we purchased our eBook store. I believe every individual has a book in them and Hadar Creations is ready to help put that story out to the world.
You can also check out our shop to see the various Hadar Creations packages we offer in graphics and designing.
Please support my dream and vision by helping to spread the word. I would also greatly appreciate your review on this book on the product page , and I would be very grateful if you tell your friends to get their own copy and also drop their own reviews too.
Thanks for stopping by, I value your presence here. Please share this article with your friends so we can spread the word together
I am back to business now, watch out for my posts every Tuesday and Friday from book excerpts, to free eBooks and articles, you don’t want to miss anyone because it promises to always be educative, eye-opening and inspiring.
Do you know anyone who is frustrated with publishers in Nigeria? Direct them to Hadar Creations, we are redefining self publishing.
My idea of a strong woman is encompassing. I believe every woman is strong in one way or the other even if her circumstances, choices or the situation surrounding her is unappealing to other women. And this is why I love Annie idibia, that woman is so strong.
She embodies a kind of strength that I admire. A lot of people have condemned her choice of getting married to Tu Baba, but she does not give a damn, at least going by the way she is living her life and carrying herself, I really admire her. We have a lot of people that seek to plant negativity and toxicity in other people’s lives. People like this just have this uncanny urge to douse people’s happiness or find a way to hurt people in the face of their celebration. The only way to deal with people like that is to tell them to shove it, stand tall and keep living your life on your own terms.
There is a difference between motherhood and mothering.
Motherhood can be defined as the state of being a mother and having the ‘qualities’ of a mother. Mothering, on the other hand, can be defined as the nurturing and raising of a child by a mother – in the way she desires, that suits her and her child.
Mothering is not defined by any quality, or whatever set standard; the woman defines that standard for herself and her child in a healthy way that she deems fit. Motherhood is patriarchal, while mothering is liberating. Motherhood can be burdensome, while mothering can be easier, eye opening and enjoyable.
My experience with motherhood was when I was pregnant with my second child; my son was not yet 2 years old and had to keep going to school. My husband said, Jumoke let this guy stay at home. I am not always around due to work related issues, please save yourself the stress of going that far with a pregnancy and pushing a buggy all about the place. Continue reading Motherhood and Mothering
Inertia can be defined as the tendency to do nothing or remain unchanged.
It is a state that usually creeps in on us particularly when we see a task as daunting, or after we just acquired a huge feat, and trying to get into another task before us.
It is state that keeps one in a state of helplessness and joblessness, particularly when you need to get up and keep moving. Continue reading Inertia
We have allowed society to pitch women against one another by tagging the career devoted mother a nonchalant mother who is more career devoted and tagging the family devoted mom a lazy woman who is not career oriented. The media created this form of dichotomy between women which is tagged the mommy wars. A group of family therapists actually wrote a book titled deconstructing the mommy wars : The battle over the best mom, it is a culture of mother blame and women have bought into it tearing each other apart over who is a better and a complete woman and mother rather than unite and talk about issues that affects us all.
Issues like gender roles and the adverse effect it has on good parenting which could later lead to child abuse.
Women who tilt towards career than their family are being looked at like nonchalant mothers who do not care for the well being of their children. Some stay at home mothers look at them with disdain and find a way to prod them and make them feel guilty. On the other hand stay at home moms are being looked at with so much disregard and disdain for daring not to be career oriented.
This article is focusing more on the stay at home mom………..
Let me tell you something, every woman is on a journey, and I know that most women who became a stay at home mother never imagined they would find themselves in such a state without a career. However rather than encourage this women, they have become an object of public ridicule. We call them lazy women, we call them jobless, we boo this women and tell them they deserve every form of ill treatment they get in their marriages. The stay at home mom who also just earned her first #5000 also joins the team of people who boo the stay at home non earning mother and looks at her with disdain. This sort of women forget that they once walked that path of being a stay at home none earning mom. They feel superior now and uses all sorts of derogatory words to describe a stay at home none earning mother.
Do you know how confused some stay at home mothers are?
Do you know some of these women actually shed tears over their state of joblessness?
Do you know that some of them looked for jobs without finding one?
Do you know it is more difficult for a stay at home mother to secure a job, especially in a country such as Nigeria where some companies are looking for quick profit and would rather go for an unmarried lady?
Do you know some stay at home mothers want to even begin a business but they are not able to raise even #5000 to begin that business because they are in a marriage where every penny is being accounted for to their husbands?
Do you know that some of these women were forcefully bullied to quit their jobs because of their husbands and insecurity issues?
Do you know that life happened to some women, they lost their jobs and get so sucked in motherhood that they are trying to find a way to build a career and also balance their devotion to their families?
Do you also know that the decision of a woman to quit her job to stay with her family in order to be family devoted most especially when her kids are still small is her choice and it’s valid?
The list of the journey of a stay at home mother is endless, every woman with her story and her pain, we need to be careful how we call women misfits and lazy because they are stay at home mothers. You do not know how much pain you add to the heart of a woman who is honestly finding her way out of joblessness.
Dear stay at home none earning mom, this too shall pass ok, you will rise above this and find your own niche, it is only a matter of time if you don’t stop striving.
PS: This is not an excerpt from Motherhood and the Society, rather it is an addendum. If you want to read more about this article, and see a bit into my own journey as a stay at home mom, please get a copy of Motherhood and the Society, chapter 7 speaks deeper about this with my true life experience. You can order your copy from amazon for those in diaspora and you can order here for those in Nigeria
I am sorry dear friends for bringing this late contrary to my promise, please come with me and let’s go on the ride of the final saga lol, you can find the link to part 1 and 2 here respectively HERE and HERE
My most terrifying experience with travelling by flight happened in 2013. I was travelling to Europe with a Lufthansa flight. I was elated because I have heard good things about Luftansa so I was prepared to thoroughly enjoy my flight. On boarding the flight, there were two hefty men at the two different aisle. They were not part of the crew, so I was wondering who they were. I asked around and someone said they were security agent placed inside the plane to ensure security, and “I am like which one is this again?” (what Is this) Well I shrugged it off and sought to enjoy the flight. Continue reading Claustrophobia the devil (The final saga)
Let me tell you something about dreams, aspirations and support.
You see, you need to understand that your dream is conceived, nurtured, and the drive to establish it is on you and you alone. The moment you begin to plan around and depend on people on a dream you are nurturing, and that they will help you propagate or establish it then you are putting yourself in jeopardy. You need to understand that no one owes you anything, be it to help you realise or achieve your dreams. The moment they don’t support your aspirations then you have no right to begrudge them.
I understand that as humans, we tend to rely on people a lot, we most times have this entitlement mentality, and most times we would have even calculated at the back end of our minds how this and this person would be a huge pillar of support, then when we realise that they are not even acting as if they saw us trying to establish our dreams then we get hurt, depressed and sometimes angry. It is normal to feel that way at times, but you need to snap out of it real quick and get over that feeling lest your dreams and aspirations begin to sink.
When I just started blogging, I was so uncomfortable at putting my introverted self out there but I was so excited that at last I would be able channel my passion for writing into affecting lives positively.
I had concluded in my mind how much people would support me. I started and just few people whom I will never forget their solidarity stood constantly by me. There were some people I had banked on because of my consistent support for them in whatever they do, who never even looked at my side or acted as if they saw that I had started something new. I mean my rationalizing heart excused them initially and concluded that maybe they didn’t see, but they never acknowledged what I was doing nor utter a word of support or encouragement, rather some of these people would do a counter post or article on what I had written, I was a bit disappointed and I wondered why they were acting that way, but I called myself to order, talked to myself to stop feeling entitled to their solidarity and support, they owe me NOTHING, so I stopped looking at their sides and withdrew myself from all sorts of negativity. And one beautiful thing I learnt and still learning is that you make lots of progress when you distance yourself from all sorts of negativity that could affect your psyche.
I discovered that no matter how supportive you are of some people, be it by your encouragement and constant solidarity when they began a new project, doesn’t mean they will show you the same solidarity when it’s your turn. Some people love to be the only ones doing something worthwhile, while others close to them and around them are lost and without a sense of direction. It gives them this feeling of grandiose delusion. Once you aspire from being their fans and supporter to becoming a person of your own who also has a similar vision,or once they notice you also have a similar vision to theirs, or even have a vision at all and are very passionate about it, they get threatened and resentful, and no matter how all the world cheers you on and supports you, they will never ever acknowledge you even if your work is staring them right in the face.
You need to also understand that it’s very beautiful to support those who support you, so far your dreams align, even if it does not, so far their dreams are not evil or against your believes, it’s OK to support them. That is the beautiful thing to do, and this is like a balm to the heart of the recipient of your support.
It’s also very OK not to support those who do not support you. Some people might term this as arrogance, but I see it as self preservation. Why do you have to keep showing support for someone who does not support nor acknowledge you or your aspirations? Why do you want to continuously torture yourself just to prove you are the bigger person while you hurt real bad? Unless you have gotten to a point where you are dead to negative feelings, a point where things don’t bother you anymore, not even a slightest bit, then it’s fine if you keep supporting those who do not support you. But if you are a sensitive being and you pick up vibes, most especially the ones directed at you easily then you need to stop supporting those who do not support you. This does not mean you have to begrudge them, on the other hand, this helps you not to begrudge them, and it distances you from every form of negative feelings towards them and also makes you focused on your dreams and aspirations without distractions.
You also need to understand that it’s fine to support those who do not support you. Sometimes you get blown away by their knowledge, or by what they are doing, and you just can’t help but acknowledge them, go ahead and acknowledge them, it’s a sign of maturity on your side, and it means gradually you are overcoming any form of negativity or distractions people might exhibit in other to hurt you.
Finally understand that for you to get to where you desire in life,for your dreams to become a reality, you have to constantly and consciously distance yourself from every form of negativity at all times. You have to do away from anything that could create bitterness in your heart and stall your dreams. You have to understand that the world is big, so big and it does not revolve around you, you are just a tiny little bit in it, so you might not even be heard or seen for a long while, but you have to keep striving to carve your own nitch. Only then would no one put you aside, write you off nor overlook you. This usually does not happen over night, most times it takes a very long time, but I assure you that with your consistence and hard work, your dreams will come to fruition and to your amazement you will get there.